Yesterday, at a neighborhood park, a mother was overheard saying, “my husband and I have this private joke: while I was pregnant with our first child, I voraciously read anything I could get my hands on that would help me have a healthy pregnancy and a natural childbirth. But, I didn’t even consider the challenges of the actual parenting. I thought it would just come naturally; that if I loved and supported my children, they’d be secure and wouldn’t need to misbehave. Now our son is three, and, despite all of my warmth and love , he’s defiantly testing our every request. So much for the ‘if you love them, they will behave’ approach. My husband and I try to find the humor in our naivety. We need to find a method that disciplines our children while teaching them self-control, self-esteem and respect.”

The concerns echoed here are not unique. Whether we decide upon parenting styles before conception, while in the womb or, god forbid, once the tantrums have begun to ensue, the process of choosing is a dance we all do. We’re given this enormous responsibility to raise our children to be thoughtful, tolerant, respectful, self-empowered adults—characteristics that we ourselves may still be trying to grasp and employ. The argument that “you don’t know what kind of parent you’ll be until you are a parent” couldn’t be any more of an understatement. Yet, as common sense and the bylaws of society demand, there are certain precepts to parenting that are somewhat generally effective. To name a few:

• Scheduling a daily routine will teach children what to expect and what will be expected of them.
• Calm, firm direction (or redirection) as opposed to visible impatience or frustration in voice or body language models mature communication skills as well as self-control
• Instituting boundaries: physical (“no, your can’t touch the hot stove”) or emotional (“no, you may not sass mommy”) Some boundaries may be negotiable, others non-negotiable
• Allowing children to express their feelings, no matter how “ugly,” will help them better to understand the range of emotions we humans experience. With experience comes the opportunity to practice making choices about how to live out feelings. As parents it’s our job to teach the more appropriate responses i.e.: “I know you’re angry that Sally is playing rough, but you’re not allowed to hit her back. Instead, use your words to tell her that you don’t like to be bullied and to please stop.”
• Physical or verbal hostility will not be tolerated
• Listening is best taught by someone who listens well.
• Laughter and understanding go a long way. Constant tension and fear of punishment are not so great for the molding of a well-adjusted person

Otherwise, as far as a general technique to communicate these and other expectations of our children, it really boils down to style and personal comfort zone. Not sure what yours is? Why not go to the library and have at it. There’s a lot of truth to the adage, “sometimes you’ll discover what works, by eliminating what doesn’t.” There are endless philosophies and techniques of parenting. Not every one will work for every child or every parent. But, give it enough consideration, and you’ll find one method that will work for you. We’re all unique individuals with unique individual needs and unique individual responses to the world. Insert obligatory snowflake analogy? No, in this case, another comparison might better make the point.

The well-seasoned vineyard owner knows exactly how to cultivate a thriving crop. It requires a thorough knowledge of how each variety of grape (read: unique individual) will respond to it’s environment. Literally, for each type of grape, soil, water supply and climate there is a corresponding method as to how a crop will flourish within the vineyard. Some vines will be planted on high ground in rows facing west with branches strung on high trellises. Others are sown on lower ground in short, suspended rows facing north to south. Rows are planted with respect to sunlight exposure, soil content and texture, typical annual rainfall, wind gusts, cold-fronts, and heat-waves. Each plant is carefully attached to a trellis that will firmly yet gently train the vine how and where to grow with respect to it’s community and it’s environment. Each branch is carefully pruned, each grape is nurtured with a keen eye. The process is very much intentional. And, if you ask anyone in the industry, growing a vineyard of healthy, succulent grapevines is one of the most challenging endeavors one can undertake… with disappointments being more common than successes. In the end, the core of the success of a vineyard is in the rigorous nurturing that is neither passive nor lenient but deliberate and dedicated. As any vintner will tell you, when harvest time rolls around the dividends of understanding the nature of your grapes, the quality of the soil, the heat of the sun and the strength of the trellis are never by accident. They are the sweet fruit of a labor of love.

Maya Angelou once said, “One isn’t necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency.” So, perhaps, as parents we are challenged to find the courage to train our vines; to role model certain values and virtues to our children. An introduction to some thoughts on role modeling and creating a peaceful home environment are listed in Naomi Drew’s the Seventeen Keys to Peaceful Parenting. Her reflections on raising peaceful children by example serves as hearty fodder for consideration.

The Seventeen Keys To Peaceful Parenting

1. Peace begins with me.
2. I have made my home a place of kind words.
3. I catch my children in the act of positive behaviors and praise them immediately, specifically and sincerely.
4. I spend at least 15 to 20 minutes a day with each child, listening, interacting, and giving my full attention.
5. I am clear on the standards of behavior I expect of my children. I honor those standards and expect my children to do the same.
6. I provide my children with empty spaces of time during which they can just “be kids. “
7. I hold regularly scheduled family meetings where my children have a voice in the workings of our family.
8. I have set a foundation for peacefulness in our home by creating with my children “Guidelines for a Peaceful family. “
9. I always remember that I am the parent and deserve to be listened to.
10. I have fair, reasonable consequences for negative behaviors which I only use when necessary.
11. I listen with all my heart to what my children have to say, and teach them to be good listeners for others.
12. I teach my children how to handle anger in nondestructive ways and I model this consistently.
13. I resolve conflicts peacefully and teach my children to do the same.
14. I find ways to help my children succeed.
15. All my actions are guided by love, compassion, fairness, respect, and integrity. I nurture these attributes in my children.
16. I live my commitment to peaceful parenting; my commitment guides all my actions.
17. I remember daily that we each have an impact on the world around us and I teach this to my children.

Pick up a copy of Peaceful Parents, Peaceful Kids or visit Naomi Drew’s website for more of her approach to peaceful living.

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